My Story (with God)

I grew up catholic, went to church regularly, received all the sacraments, prayed regularly and was in general a "nice" and "good" person. As I passed 30 and realized I was still single, I was consumed with trying to find Mr Right. I was lonely. I understood all too well what it meant to be alone in a room full of people. I tried to feel sorry for myself but couldn't even do that well because I had it "all together." I had a great family who loved me, friends to hang out with, a good job, a house, I was physically healthy- what right did I have to complain? From the age of 15 I had been praying, wishing and looking for Mr Right and figured the reason I was so lonely was because I was still single. I assumed this ache was a result of not being married.

I tried everything to find Mr Right. I did on-line dating, a local dating service, went out with every set up, hit the bars on the weekends and even tried shopping at Hyde Park Kroger :) (A famous spot for spouse finding in Cincinnati.) I felt like I was spending all this energy but going no where. I kept wondering what was wrong with me? I though things like "If I was just... thinner, prettier, more fashionable, funnier, sluttier, more 'one of the guys'... THEN I'll meet a great guy, get married and finally my life will be complete.

I felt useless. I wondered things like "if someone killed me in my sleep, how long would it take someone to notice?" and "who would care if I died except my immediate family?" and "what is my purpose in life? If I were gone would it make any difference to the world?" I couldn't wait to go to bed on Sunday nights so I could go to work the next day because at least there, I had purpose. I thought if I could get married then someone would need me, I would have a husband and kids who would give me the purpose I was so desperately seeking.

I had a friend ask me one day at lunch "have you tried asking God to bring you a husband?" I replied "Honey, I have prayed, begged, railed, pleaded and bargained but God doesn't seem to want to answer my prayer."

I was miserable.

I started saying to God "I need more, I can't handle this loneliness anymore. Please, God, there has to be more for me than this meaningless existence. THIS can't be my life."

One day I went to a volleyball tournament, I was alone and was going to register as a single and get put on a team. This was a big deal for me because I was the fat kid who got picked last in gym class and was called "Big Mama" in 6th grade. I didn't grow up athletic but I loved to play and thought it might be a good way to meet people. Boy was I right! The tournament had been cancelled but a few people were there and I ended up playing pick up with a guy named Carter. He and I hung out and he told me about a group of his friends that played on Sundays. He invited me to come out.

I came to play one Sunday a few weeks later. Carter wasn't there so I sat on the patio hoping to find a way to jump in a game. It was obvious these were all friends and I was worried because Cincinnati is very clicky and its hard to get into a group of friends. A guy named Don saw me and asked me if I wanted to play. I said yes and he told me to come on out. He went to another court to play so I stood there hoping these people wouldn't reject me. They welcomed me to their game and we had a great time. They were SO welcoming!

After we were done playing they invited me to Brandon's house were they would all go to eat and hang out afterward. I went and sat in amazement. There was this group of people, all hanging out, having fun and not drinking, not trying to hook up with each other. The girls were welcoming, not giving me that "who are you and are you going to try to steal our men" look.

A guy named Moose asked me "Stephanie, do you love Jesus?" Now as a catholic, this isn't something we talk about. I said "I guess." He invited me to Crossroads, the church they all attended. I thought to myself "Ew, that's one of those big, cult churches where you don't want to drink the kool aid."
I played volleyball with them a couple more weeks and then left for a trip to Europe. Now I had been feeling, the usual building of my "you're useless, you'll never get married" voice as I left for the trip and when we arrived in Paris, it came to a head. Here I was, in Paris, alone- AGAIN. I was in Notre Dame Cathedral and I just needed to talk to God.

I pulled up a chair and no sooner sat down when I broke down sobbing. I said to God "I can't do this anymore! I give up! If you want me to be single, that's fine but You're going to have to give me something to take away the loneliness. I can't keep going on like this! Please God, help me."
I came back from that trip and tried Crossroads Church. It was weird. They give out free drinks, its dark, they have a rock band but for the first time in a LONG time I came out of service inspired. I felt like the message had real meaning. I started hanging out with the volleyball crew and going to Crossroads. Together they showed me what its like to have a RELATIONSHIP with God.
My Two best friends baptizing me. Best Day of my LIFE!

Turns out THAT was the relationship I had been missing. That's the hole that needed filled- not Mr Right. Eventually I felt a need to declare my new relationship and I got baptized. My parents were there. All my new friends were there. It was like a wedding day! (except no presents and I went home alone at the end of the day) After the service my Mom said "My prayers have been answered! You're finally at peace with yourself. You've finally found happiness." She was right. My Dad said "I've been praying you'll find Mr Right.I guess we know who God listens to." LOL
Maybe Dad's prayer will be answered someday. I realized now that Mom's prayer was more important. I needed to find God first. Its going to be through him that any real happiness can happen. Its going to be through Him that I can find a guy who will be just perfect someday. Even if I don't, I know He will take care of me and will be there.

To all of the people who were obedient and inviting and made me feel welcomed enough to try a new church, to all those who hold me accountable to following God- I thank you. You saved my life.

Epilogue:

I wrote that story in 2010. Things on the outset are pretty much the same. I'm entering into my 40th birthday as I write this and I'm still single but I am surrounded by people who love me, look after me, challenge me. I still hope one day marriage will be a part of God's plan for me.

Another really great thing happened to me after I was baptized though. My Small Group did this study called Story Formed Life, or SFL for short. It was a complete paradigm shift. It completely changed my view on God and myself. If you're wondering what SFL is, click on the link to the left.

I have learned the power of prayer. I have learned how to better lean on God. I have an even closer relationship with Him and I see that the process of getting closer will continue my whole life. I am stepping out in leadership. I started a prayer group at school. I am training to facilitate SFL and am hoping to do it in the community where I teach. I see a purpose to my life now, to create disciples. I see that God loves ME, Stephanie Wolf. He knows me personally and cares about me personally. He doesn't just kind of care about humanity in general.

I have seen prayers answered and I have been frustrated with prayers that may never get answered. Yet I still trust Him and believe in Him. I am looking forward to wherever He leads me.